Archive for the ‘Laugh until you cry…’ Category

As ye sow, so shall ye reap….

Came to me on the net:
Dear Employees:
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact  that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government  fees will increase in a BIG way.  To compensate for these increases, our  prices would have to increase by about 10%.  But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal  state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.   This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did.  I walked through our parking lots and found sixty ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.  I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem.  They voted for change…….I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

Copulating In The Classroom – Professor J. Michael Bailey

Bailey

Copulating

Copulating In The Classroom, Professor Bailey

Peep Shows And Artificial Peckers with Professor J. Michael Bailey

Or I could go on and on…

Does anybody out there have a donkey they want to rent out for an evening?  It seems we have a professor, a psychologist, at Northwestern U who decided your kids needed to know how to get their girlfriend off, so to speak, and I don’t mean off a criminal charge.  So he conducted an after hours, opt in, demonstration on the use of a sex toy.  You know, guys, a toy you need when you have a problem with your own equipment?  And he may want to carry the demo a little farther, thus the need of the donkey.  However, if you’re like me, you don’t want your donkey used for such a purpose, no matter how the donkey may enjoy it.  It sets a bad example for the other donkeys in the pasture.  Come to think of it, Professor J. Michael Bailey is a donkey himself, so yours or mine may not be needed.  Although I doubt if Professor Bailey has the same sexual equipment as your donkey, Professor J. Michael Bailey  certainly has the same mental capacity.

Copulating in the classroom (or some form thereof) may not have a place in our university system in this country, at least not if you’re paying your taxes and disagree with that particular use of them.  But long ago the universities in the country quit paying attention to the taxpayers who support them.  And there’s no question in my mind that Bailey has tenure and cannot be fired…unless one of those students on the stage was a minor.

University President Morton Schapiro said he was “troubled and disappointed” after hearing about the use of a sex toy on a naked woman by her fiancé in front of more than 100 students.  Gee, there’s a strong response by an administrator…why am I not surprised?  I bet Professor Bailey expected a thousand or more and was very disappointed by the turnout…he should have picked a better looking couple.  I wonder if he charged admission?  None-the-less, peep-show prices or no, I’m surprised he didn’t get a bigger crowd.  Had I been at Northwestern, and 19 years old or so, damn rights I’d have gone.  And to think all they had was readin’, writin’, and ‘rithmatic when I was in school.  Good God Gertie, what are our universities coming to?  What’s next for J. Michael Bailey…group sex on stage, or maybe in the quad?

I can’t help but wonder if Professor Bailey, who hasn’t had a sexually explicit book out in some time, may just want to pick up his book sales.  What was it P.T. Barnam said, “It doesn’t matter what they’re saying about you, so long as they’re talking,” or something near that.  This one wasn’t quite as good as the Viagra ad, “If it stays up longer than 4 hours, see your doc,” now that was good advertising.

I know what I’m saying about Professor Bailey, how about you?

Free Medical Care….

If you can’t afford a doctor, go to an airport – you’ll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and; if you mention Al Qaeda, you’ll get a free colonoscopy !

Good for a laugh…

The internet, if nothing else, is good for a laugh.  It’s getting hard to listen to a joke from a friend without just having seen it on the net.  And if laughter truly is the best medicine, then we’re all getting more and more healthy.

This just came to me:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
 commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the both the ladies and men’s restrooms.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an


official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.


6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.


7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.


8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
 began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
 EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.


12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
’Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.


13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’


14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’


And last, but not least:


15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.


An astute observation from the L. A. Times

“Frankly, I don’t know what it is about California, but we seem to have a strange urge to elect really obnoxious women to high office.  I’m not bragging, you understand, but no other state, including Maine, even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to Washington, we’re number one.
 
There’s no getting around the fact that the last time anyone saw the likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, Maxine Waters, and Nancy Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain went up on ‘Macbeth’.  The four of them are like jackasses who happen to possess the gift of blab. You don’t know if you should condemn them for their stupidity or simply marvel at their ability to form words.”

–columnist Burt Prelutsky,  LA Times

You gotta love Volkswagen…my favorite commercial!

New International Terror Alerts :-)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to“Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are“Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to“Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to“She’ll be alright, Mate.” Three more escalation levels remain:“Crikey,!” “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.